promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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