despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm just crazy horny about you
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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