So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
