If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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