my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
