Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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