You're my little dorito
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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