Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
