he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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