the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
