Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
