Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
