Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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