Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Randomize
