Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
