How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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