i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
