Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
