Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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