I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize