I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
