my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
