It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Randomize
