she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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