Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
not ubering you a puppy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
