Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
