I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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