don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
