My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
