Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
