he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
