my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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