Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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