Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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