doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize