I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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