Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
