fuck your aforementioned shoe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
