I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
