The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
