I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
