Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
