I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
