You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
