I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
