final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize