hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
