so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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