there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
