u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
