why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
why is half of my head shaved?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
