I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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