I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
