I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
