Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
