apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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