I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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