dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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