Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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