I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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