So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
sarcasm needs its own font
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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