Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
