i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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