what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
